In the two weeks I’ve been back from a retreat at Spirit Vine I’ve faced friends (for meals, phone calls… asking what was it like?), family (mom, uncle…where have you been? why was your gate locked?), Foes (the seismic oil exploration crew that trespassed on my property while I was in Brazil after I refused to give them permission to enter and locking my entry gate, but they accidentally left some valuable equipment behind which may soon be available on Ebay). I must report that I’m satisfied that each situation was handled in a calm, dignified, honest, lawful manner, regretting nothing said, written nor done. I feel like I’m standing on the first wrung/level of a ladder of inner peace and I don’t want to fall, step, or be knocked off.
Getting healthy, dealing with negatives and staying on a better path has been easier since the retreat. Quitting smoking has had its temptations but since I destroyed all smoking items as soon as I returned home as planned it has gone very well. I still get the urge to smoke at times but the urges aren’t very strong and they do pass quickly. I’m also working out again, though I feel tired at times, I feel like I’m on a good track. The whole trip to Spirit Vine was very important to me in every way I can think of, as without it I believe a downward spiral in my life was starting and was only going to accelerate if I did nothing to stop it. One thing still bothering me is that my anger towards my brother has increased as I see all the ways he has stabbed me in the back and I no longer choose the crutches of substance abuse or escape to avoid feeling it. If anyone asked me today if I will ever forgive him I would say I truly don’t know but I’m hoping that facing my feelings towards him and the rest of my family will help me put them in a healthy perspective where understanding, love and forgiveness all around is possible. It will take time to heal but I now have time and patience for myself. I accept my part for what I could control in my life and I’m thankful HIGHER POWERS LED ME TO AYAHUASCA which allowed me to confront and purge my toxic shame. With the shame gone I feel I can now heal my inner self and that it is worth the effort to heal. Since i”m very much a novice, only recently truly acknowledging an inner self and higher powers I’m not qualified, nor would I feel comfortable, with any sort of spiritual advice giving but maybe someone will get, see or feel something here that gives them a bit of hope, comfort, support or inspiration to do something positive for their-self.