” Mum, we live forever, but in this life, I have more time, because I am little, you are old.”
I hear your crystal voice and struggle to keep mine cheerful and ” normal”. You are five years old and it is a sunny autumn day. We are leaving the cinema parking area and my twenty years driving experience helps me to concentrate on keep going.
My answer was: ” Yes, Vlad, this is true, you have a lot of time”.
” I would like to take a picture with you, Mummy”, you responded.
” Sure, Vlad, you can take as many pictures as you want”
“About 30, because you are very beautiful , this is why I chose you, your hair…., you look beautiful, I love you so much, Mummy! “
” I love you, too, Vlad”
” I know, ……..like, one billion times and more”, you said.
My heart explodes, time and space losses their consistency.
It is now 3 am, a few days later, and you breathing peacefully near me. Tears are flowing. My wish came true. I found happiness.
One of my Ayahuasca visions came back to me:
I hear a voice in the stillness
” Who are you? “ I ask
“My name is Mihai”
“Should I know you?”
“Yes, you know me now, as being ‘Vlad’”
My heart exploded and I am floating in a pink energy field of bliss.
.
I remember I left you without me. You were only one year and six months, it was the hardest and the best decision I ever made. I left you with your grandparents, they gave you all the love they hold in a lifetime. You all needed to share it. I left because I was broken, I left because I was lost. I wanted to teach you happiness and I realised I can not teach you something I do not know about. I left to find my happiness . I left my country, my family, I left you.
One year later, your grandparents brought you to my new place.
“Where is your mum? ” somebody asked you on the plane on your way here .
“My mum is in the laptop” , was your answer. Your Grammy told me this story when you arrived at the airport. My heart was completely broken and the pieces were so small.
Later, that year, we are coming home after a walk on a December cold day. I hold your little hand. You are now two years and six months . I feel a warm feeling between us, and I slow down, trying to hold it there. We don’t know each other. We reconnect naturally.
Your crystal voice in the dark sounds like from another place: ” Mum, I feel so happy”. A genuine smile is making his way out, stretching long time unused muscles:
” Why are you happy? ” I asked.
” Because we are together “.
My soul is on its knees.
I was not the mother you deserve.
My pain was trying to break the wall and get to the frozen pieces of my heart.
December came and went, and I let you return with your grandparents to their loving home.
A bigger pain was needed. And it came quick. Two months later. It was a normal day in February, written on a piece of paper “stage lV cancer; life expectancy of two years”.
Great teacher was this label, and an emotional torrent was starting since. Human angels helped me to have you near me. My brain exploded , the pain got through my frozen heart.. The walls were falling apart and they are still falling.I hear a call. I did not know what it was. My instinct to protect you was stronger than my fears, my question, my anger, my pain. To protect you, I needed to be stronger, I felt I can, I did not know the way. I brought my power together and took the full responsibility of my life.
“…perhaps you have a call”, it was the answer who sent me to meet Ayahuasca, in Peru.
Back in the ceremony, I take the brew and lost my intentions, myself.
My brain did not respond anymore.
I couldn’t grasp any thought.
l surrender, crashed.
What is the meaning of ” healing? ” .
Then , the gift came: The Peace.
“The Great Mother” showed me the “Great Picture”. And with that , the understanding and the beauty we have in every single day since. Everything is at it should be, everything is connected and every single path is the right one.
I wanted to write to you for a while now, to give you all my knowledge and understanding, the wiser message, the kindness words, to give you a shield of love , to be protected. I couldn’t find them. And they are not, because, Vlad, you do not need them.
You have everything you need. Just breathe. Slow down, and breath, and be.
You are your own sculptor and all tools are available: your love and hate, your passions and your fears, your strengths and insecurities, your loneliness and togetherness, your wounds, your healings, your tears and your smiles.
All feelings and states, all people, situations and things are your tools and teachers. Stop, breathe, learn, honor them, thank them and go further . Answer to your life call and be. Follow your heart and your path, respect others. Be grateful and breathe.
Keep your power. Is all you need to keep your wings opened and fly. We are all magnificent imperfect angels and here to learn: Love. Trust and listen to yourself. I trust you.
” Mum, I want to listen to your heart, can I? “
” Yes, if I can listen to yours ”
My heart is smiling and every single cell is whispering: ” thank you” . I found my happiness.
Thank you, my son, for being my greatest teacher.
You taught me: Love.
I love you,
Mum
“Stay warm, until next time”, Choque Chinchay
