This article is a submission for the Ayahuasca Awareness Program, an initiative by the Spirit Vine Center in Brazil. The program aims to help increase awareness of the potential of ayahuasca by sponsoring free ayahuasca retreats every month for people who feel the call for spiritual development with ayahuasca and other methods.

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To the bereaving of my soul (these days of my abandons)

As far as I can remember my greatest fear has been to be abandoned. When I was younger I was scared to death in the dark. My nights were haunted by strangers that were determined  to take me out, out my bed, out of my home. What if they left? My mum, my dad, my family ? What if they decided to leave me alone, in this house? I was terrified. Too young and too shy to expose my fears I just had to deal with my demons. A tremendous burden of fear for a little girl. I needed extra support and attention and during my teenage years it turned really bad as I developed a food disorder, an effort to make myself … visible… The more weight you loose the more people are starring at you. I fight with those disorders for about 10 years. I was testing my body as a destruction for my mind, would it abandoned me if I push it to the limit? 

Once my food addiction was finished it was replaced with another and drugs come into my life offering a “release” to my food problems. Metamphetamine also called speed allows you not to eat, not to sleep and drive you to serious break down. I was young and thought I was free I didn’t have any ideas of how I treat my body, how I treat my soul. I was obsessed by drugs, parties and escaping from the routine world.

Then I met him : tall, blond, funny, beautiful and held a similar philosophy on drugs.

We were both blinded by each other bliss, we put ourselves in lots of trouble but we were also strong together. I continue to think that I just needed him at that time and he just needed me. We were complete and I was so far from myself, existing somewhere in between Alice in wonderland and bloody hell. 

After eight years he finally left me, twice…and I fell appart in a living nightmare. I cried, I prayed, I screamed… The rollercoaster of emotion just started and my heart ❤️ get smashed in an infinite loop. Luckily I was surrounded by very good friends and 4 years ago when he left me the first time I found a profound guidance in yoga. At that time yoga had been slowly weaving it’s way into my life. I started to think a little out of the box and wanted to take care of my body and begin healing my soul and spirit. When he finally left me my life continued but inside I was completely broke. I went to psychotherapy and doctors who wanted to treat me with western médecine and antidepressants but I didn’t want to enter another addiction so I turned to medecin that were closer to my everyday yoga life. As a music lover I went to music therapy, I worked on chakras with stones, saw astrologue, and ventured down the avenue of Neurofeedback research.

I became attached to the practice of yoga and sports in general, long talks with my friends, no more drugs and meditation.

I listened more to myself but still there remained a void as I felt utterly alone.

During those last years all this different approaches made me aware that a different world connected with natural energies is lying there so close.

I’ve been vegetarian for 15 years and now I know that you heal yourself following alternative medicine or principles that have been practiced for millennia.

On the 7th of July I will turned 35 and I hope to find ease and peace with myself entering your retreat.

I leave in hope of soon sharing in your and ancestors knowledge.


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